How Jealousy affects me

I have never been a jealous person, but I also don’t think I’ve ever been truly in love, until now.

Trying to explain why I get jealous now is like trying to explain how water tastes, I just don’t know. All I know is that it affects me and it hurts me and I’m not entirely sure how to handle it.

I used to think that if you really trusted someone, there would be no need to e jealous but I’ve learned the hard way that that is not always the case. Jealousy is a whole new ball game and trust has nothing to do with it. Confidence, however, does. And I find the more jealous I feel the less confident I am.

I’m not jealous in a sense that I wish I had something someone else has, or I looked like someone else, I’m honestly only jealous when it comes to my relationship. His past strongly affects my present and I don’t know why.

I don’t to travel where he’s traveled with another girl because I know he’s kissed and loved her there. It’s suddenly tainted. I don’t want to wear what his past girlfriends wore because I fear it’ll  make him think of them. And the list goes one. You can see how it affects me.

I understand that this is all irrational and silly, and yet I still can’t help it. I believe in what we have and what our future holds but I can’t let go of his past. I have a past of my own, but for whatever reason my past doesn’t even feel like it existed, it was never important and it was never real.

 

The nights I’ve spent just thinking about it all can drive even the most rational person mad. Mixing anxiety and jealousy has been proved to be deadly (literally) and it’s one of the hardest things I face and it’s my biggest fear and my biggest downfall.

 

how can I control something I can’t even explain? How can I become more “normal”?


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